


no money no problem, just grave rob your nearest cemetery!

by Maven_Fair



Series: RIP to WIPs [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series), The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossover, Dimension Travel, Gen, Kidnapping, One Shot, Post-Canon, WIP, also taako wants his boyfriend back pls, i'm just uploading my wips rn, tbh this started out so well but then i dropped off..., the tres horny boys just want some money
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:53:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24515692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maven_Fair/pseuds/Maven_Fair
Summary: The obligatory Taako, Merle, and Magnus get transported to the Critical Role universe due to a few godly machinations or two.(Or:??? wakes to three people standing over him. A flashy blond wizard, a small dwarven cleric with flowers in his beard, and a large burly human man. The only thing he knows is that a man named Caleb and the Mighty Nein are waiting for him. Him being Mollymauk Tealeaf, apparently.)
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Magnus Burnsides & Merle Highchurch & Taako
Series: RIP to WIPs [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1771570
Comments: 2
Kudos: 64





	no money no problem, just grave rob your nearest cemetery!

Taako opens his eyes to a fluttering robe, it’s purples and reds and blues looking beautiful in the morning sunlight. His first coherent thought is,  _ I wonder if anyone would notice if I took this. _ His second is,  _ damn, we must’ve gone crazy last night.  _ His next is, 

“Where the fuck are we.”

“Shh, I’m trying to sleep,” Merle groans. 

“Look, I dunno about you but when I wake up in an unfamiliar place I tend to freak the fuck out.” Taako replies. He looks around at the scenery; rows of snowy mountain tops surround them, with seemingly no end in sight. Next to them is a well-worn dirt path, and nearly within arms distance is a staff with the beautiful robe on it.

“It’s probably nothing,” Magnus pipes up. “Just another villain that wants to take over the world.”

“Great, great, just another ‘let’s ignore the obvious signs of danger’! A classic,” Taako drawls. He sits up gingerly, and checks that all his belongings are in order. “Uh, guys? We got a small problemo,”

“Other than the fact that we’re in a place we don’t know, then I don’t see what’s wrong,” Merle says.

“I can’t find my stone of farspeech,” Taako says. Merle and Magnus immediately sit up. 

“What do you mean?” Magnus asks.

“I mean,” Taako says impatiently, “That chaboy doesn’t know where the fuck his stone of farspeech went.”

“Guys?” Merle says, concerned. “I can’t find mine either.” 

“Me neither,” Magnus says.

“Well,” Taako says, staring at the robe. And then he notices the lump of dirt directly below it, as though someone had dug it up and then put it back in. He rolls to investigate. “Guys?”

“Yeah?” Magnus and Merle both say.

“You got a way outta here?” Merle asks excitedly.

“You know where Steven went?” Magnus asks.

“Uh, no, but,” - Taako points at the dirt pile - “I think the thing in the grave might.” Normally, Taako would stay the fuck away from any kind of grave. But something in him is telling him to save whatever the hell is buried in the ground.

“You want us to raid a grave?” Magnus says incredulously and, yeah, when you put it that way it sounds pretty shitty. But Taako rolls well on his persuasion check and convinces them to begin to shovel dirt out of the way. 

“This seems really unethical,” Magnus says, as purple fingers suddenly appear underneath all the dirt.

“Since when has that ever stopped us,” Merle responds. As they continue to push more and more dirt away they notice that the air around them seems to change or shift. The more they uncover of their body the more interested they get. Countless rings, necklaces, and tattoos seem to spur on their efforts. Once they push away the final amount of dirt from the dead tiefling’s face they’re confronted with strikingly handsome features. They can see parts of various tattoos peeking out from his clothing.

“Search his body!” Merle says.

“Search his body!” Magnus agrees. They carefully lift the body out of the grave and search him. But all three of them come up with (besides the jewelry) is a note that was on Mystery Man’s chest that reads:

_ If  _ _ When you come across this letter you will be disoriented, but do not worry. Your name is Mollymauk Tealeaf, you are a bloodhunter, and a trusted member of the Mighty Nein. We will be awaiting your return.  _

_ \- Caleb Widogaust _

“Molly-Mook Tealeaf? What kinda name is that?” Merle snorts. “Sounds like some kind of Fantasy Cartoon character.”

“Do you guys think that this Caleb and the Mighty Nein were his friends?” Magnus asks. They all contemplate this for a moment before Taako goes,

“Well, that doesn’t matter now since he ain’t waking up!” And at that moment the tiefling next to them shoots open his eyes (they’re lavender, Taako notes), searches his surroundings, and then lays eyes on Taako.

“Why, hello there gorgeous,” Mollymauk Tealeaf, former-corpse, says. Taako, Magnus, and Merle all scream simultaneously.

* * *

“What the fuck are we supposed to do?” Taako says, staring at the tiefling who Magnus had knocked out.

“Throw him off the edge of a cliff?” Merle suggests. The man in question groans in protest.

“That’s an option,” Magnus says.

“Oooooor,” Taako drawls, smirking, “We could tie him up and find out if his  _ friends _ have money.”

* * *

“Excuse me? Man with the horrid fashion sense?” Caleb snaps out of his book and turns instinctively towards the voice. He eyes the exits of the bar once more; after all, most people who call out to him are people who want to kill him.

The owner of the voice turns out to be a youthful and flashy blond Elven wizard. His hat, which is adorned with various accessories, is particularly eye-catching, especially due to the fact that it makes the wizard roughly two feet taller than his already sizeable height. He’s also wearing a frankly outrageous amount of silk, leather, and fishnet. Caleb can’t help but feel a little self-conscious in comparison to the outgoing outfit. “Yes? Can I help you with anything, Mr…? ”

“The name’s Taako, you know, from TV,” the elf - Taco? - says. When Caleb doesn’t offer up the fact that he does know him, the elf continues, “That is, unless you happen to know a man named Kravitz? Kind of a big deal, is a skeleton half the time?”

“No, no, I am afraid I do not.” Caleb states, glancing down at his book in longing. The man didn’t seem to be angry, but his overall demeanor is too casual and nonchalant for Caleb to be anything close to relaxed around him. 

“What a shame. Anyway, a little birdy told me that you and your friends - the Mighty Nein, was it? - were waiting for one Mollymauk Tealeaf. Is that correct?” His voice is playful and good-natured, yet Caleb tenses at Molly’s name all the same.

“How did you know that?” Caleb asks warily. He knows that Molly’s life before the caravan was… interesting, to say the least, and if this wizard was seeking out Molly for bad reasons… 

“Funny story, actually,” Taako says, and Caleb carefully turns toward the nearest exit - the front door - in case Taako turns out to be out for blood. “Me and my friends woke up, found a dead body with a note attached to his chest, and then found out that the corpse wasn’t so corpse-y anymore,”

“Did you… Did Molly wake up?” Caleb says. He tries to not get his hopes up, but it bubbles up inside him regardless. Yet the possibility of this being a ruse was high, and Caleb couldn't seem to get a read on him.

“I assume so due to the fact that he’s up and talking,” Taako drawls, and Caleb’s heart skips a beat in excitement. While Caduceus had been a great party member, none of them could truly forget Molly, and the great things about Caduceus was that he understood that. “Although I do  _ not _ want to know how many death law-thingies that breaks.”

“Could you, um,” Caleb clears his throat. “Could you, perhaps, take us to him? Me and my friends, that is,” He doesn’t quite trust the other wizard - something about him screams danger - but he’s willing to take any risk if it means seeing Molly back up and alive. 

Oh, Gott, he could very well be a necromancer, couldn’t he? Flashy clothing would certainly dissuade any first assumptions of his magic class, but -- 

“Perfect! We’re actually staying in the Drowsy Inn, down the street. Come by whenever, I guess,” the elf says, before turning and swaying away. Caleb can’t help but feel that the high heels the man is wearing don’t seem very safe, although they do lend to make him seem a whole lot more regal.

“Caleb!” Jester sings beside him, suddenly sitting down next to where he had previously been enjoying a book while slowly sipping on a mug of ale. “Who were you just talking to? He seemed like a very fun man! I just loved his hat,” she says, showing him a drawing she had done of the man’s ostentatious hat. She then gasps. “Was he  _ flirting _ with you?” she says, winking.

“Ah, no, no,” he says, laughing slightly. “No, I believe he was already spoken for.” He certainly seemed enamored with that Kravitz man. The… skeleton.

Gott, he really did just converse with a necromancer, didn’t he?

“Ah! What a shame, he seemed like someone I would get along with!” Jester says, face scrunched up into a comical downtrodden expression. “Then what was he talking to you about?”

“Um.” Should he tell her? Or wait until they are all sitting down, sober, and able to make sound judgments? “Do know where our companions are, Jester?”

“Weeeell,” she says, swinging her legs underneath the bar’s stool. “Fjord and Beau are trying to teach Caduceus how to flirt, Yasha’s off somewhere doing her own thing, and Nott is participating in a drinking contest for some money. Or pickpocketing, I’m not sure.”

“Do you think you could gather them up for me? I have something very important I need to tell them.”

* * *

“You sure we can trust these guys?” Magnus asks for the seventh time in a row, tapping Railsplitter nervously on the floor. He’s sitting on the master bed of the room they had paid for in stolen money. “I mean, I know they were your friends but, like, we’ve had a lot of friends try to kill us before.”

“May Captain Captain Bane rest in peace.” Taako jokes. He’s sitting on the one chair with a cushion on it, slowly sipping on a glass of wine that he nicked while the barkeep wasn’t paying attention.

“As I said before, I have no recollection of them,” Mollymauk says, tied up and leaning against the wall for support. “In fact, I have absolutely no memory of anything before you three dug me out of my grave.”

“And what a mistake that was,” Merle grumbled. “No gold on you or anything!”

Taako cleans his nails absently, before catching sight of the, quite frankly, dirty man from the tavern. Caleb Something-or-Other. “Looks like our guests are here,”

“Ooh, how much gold do you think they’ll give us for our efforts?”

“If the wizard’s clothing is any sort of reference to their riches, then absolutely none,” Taako drawls. He sighs and stands from where he was sitting.

“Where are you going?”

“To go greet our esteemed guests,” Taako jokes, before making his way down to the first floor of their inn. 

What greets him is a strange sight. One frighteningly tall woman with a giant sword strapped to her back, a firbolg with a strange staff, a half-orc with scars on his face, a human monk with a slightly terrifying glare on their face, a bubbly blue tiefling, a halfling - no, a goblin (why would she bother wearing that mask?) - with bandages on her fingers, and the human wizard that he had talked to the night before. They’re all sitting at one table, the tiefling and goblin being the only ones with drinks, and seem to be deep in discussion.

He decides to just listen in for a bit, just to get a feel for them. 

“I just don’t know, Caleb,” the half-orc says, glancing around nervously. They haven’t noticed him. “A man tells you that he has Molly, who’s apparently not dead anymore? Coming back to life once is one thing, but twice… ”

“Well, I think we’ve just gotta trust him, right?” the goblin says. She’s clutching her flask tightly, and takes a sip before continuing. “And if it starts going sour we could always just, y’know,” she mimes stabbing someone, eyebrows moving up and down suggestively.

“Didn’t you say he might be a necromancer, Caleb?”  _ A necromancer? _ Taako internally scoffs.  _ Who am I, Barry? _

“I know it doesn’t seem very safe, but,” the human interrupts, causing the group to go silent. “I think we all know why we came anyway,” They all glance at each other, sharing a look that says a million words. 

Taako takes it as his cue to introduce himself.

He strides over to the group, making extra careful to make his heels click against the wooden floors of the bar. The group all looks over, varying degrees of wariness painting their features. The tiefling seems to be the only one excited to see him.

“You are Mr. Taako, yes?” the tiefling says excitedly. “I absolutely love your hat!” She smiles at him, eyes twinkling. She has a fascinating accent, quirky and upbeat.

Taako laughs in response, taking note of how her friends all stare at him, as though waiting for something. For what, he’s not sure. “Why thank you! My boyfriend actually bought this one.” He winks at her.

“Ooh, who’s your boyfriend? Do we know him? And where’s your accent from? Does your boyfriend talk like you?” 

“My boyfriend, well,” Taako laughs slightly, “I haven’t seen him in a while, but his name’s Kravitz, and he’s the second most handsome man you’ll ever meet. I doubt you know him, if you don’t know who I am. Unfortunately, my boyfriend does not talk like me, but he does a really horrible cockney accent when on the job,” he finishes off.

“What’s a cockney accent?” the tiefling asks. “And what’s a bad one sound like?”

“Jester.” It’s the monk who speaks, their voice flat and with no room to continue the conversation. “Don’t forget why we’re here.” 

Jester nods solemnly, almost jokingly, but Taako can read the tenseness in her body. Even that, though, is hard to tell.

“So, er, Mr. Taako,” the half-orc says, eyes piercing through him despite the awkwardness in his voice. “What can you tell us about Molly?”

“Tell me your price, big guy,” he says, half-serious. The reaction is near immediate; all of the members of the “Mighty Nein” bring their hands to their weapons, threatening without causing harm. Yet. 

“Oh don’t worry, I was only half-joking,” Taako says, mockingly putting his hands up. “But to be fair, kidnapped people tend to strike a pretty penny.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote almost all of this seven months ago, forgot about it, and now I’m cleaning out my WIPs and figured I might as well post the unfinished story. I love the Adventure Zone so much (although I still need to catch up on the current arc) but I’m truthfully not that big of a fan of Critical Role. Although I’m surprised that I haven’t seen more crossovers between the two franchises. Though to be fair, they have drastically different feels to them. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
